Soft Landings
Though thankfully very rare, sometimes during a flight, the engine stalls or the flaps stop working. Pilots of all planes train for these kinds of emergencies: stalls, problems with the flaps, bird strikes, instrument failures, and many others.
Similarly, our beliefs - our certainties - sometimes come crashing down around us. How we weather those storms is dependent on people who give us soft landings.
I was raised in an Evangelical Christian home. By definition, this means all other traditions are wrong, at least when it comes to faith. It is the job of Christians to help others see the errors of their faith and lead them to Christ. Through my twenties I was a Fundamentalist Christian, more hard-edged than the Evangelicals. Perhaps you can imagine all the things I found wrong about the world and life.
When our beliefs are so narrow, we often surround ourselves with those who believe the same thing. They are our tribe. We do everything in that narrow framework. We shut ourselves off from experiences that might connect us with others, with new ideas, and with a whole world of new stories and behaviors. Those who have different preferences in love, faith, and life choices are anathema to us (and, as we imagine it, God).
During and after seminary, in my chaplaincy training, I discovered more suffering than I could possibly have imagined. I learned all people want to live and love, all people suffer, and my belief that suffering was the result of all other worldviews was suspect.
Attending the death of the wife of a gay couple, I saw a depth of grief for which my training and beliefs didn’t prepare me. The grief was so raw and real. My religious beliefs and my story to that date didn’t prepare me to recognize that people love and care in different ways. I remember that moment as though it was yesterday. In those moments I first heard the structures of my belief-plane creaking mid-flight. Were my beliefs wrong?
Then, when my own life revealed it’s rough edges, it was like the plane had stalled mid-flight. I was going to crash-land.
As the plane begins to waver, we hear it creaking, like the twisting of metal. The moment that fragile flying machine fails the test of reality, everything - our relationships (even marriages), practices, and belief constellation - comes falling down.
I’ve had many such moments when I saw myself and my beliefs for what they were. Prejudices coming to light. Cruelties. Judgments.
In those moments, we hope we can find people who will accept us with the fresh wounds of our awareness and shame. They alone can give us the Soft Landings we need.
I’ve had many people who’ve been there for me in these moments of recognition, shame, and self-doubt. They’ve heard my confessions (“I feel like I need to say I’m sorry for believing these things for so long. I carried these beliefs around and I’m sure I hurt someone with these judgments. I’m so sorry”). And, they’ve acknowledged our common humanity. They welcomed me as their searching spiritual kin.
For these people, I’m eternally grateful. They gave me a soft landing when I desperately needed one.
When you are stalling or your flaps are failing, pray there’s someone there to help you safely land.
I’m looking at you, SI, CS, AS, JAC, and many others.
Thank you for being one of my soft landings. For seeing me. For accepting me.
Mike