Be kind to yourself first
The first person to whom you should be kind is yourself.
You might think I’m talking about narcissism. I’m not. A narcissist is an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. By definition, they don’t find it hard to be unkind to themselves.
It’s hard for me to write about this because I often feel unkind to myself. I’m learning, though, that a lack of self-compassion is harmful to everyone who surrounds the self-judgemental person. It messes with how we live with each other.
Self-compassion and self-kindness are not the same as self-indulgence (though we may appropriately and appropriately indulge ourselves at times).
Mindfulness gurus love their formulaic self-compassion meditations.1 Me? I loathe them, even if they are embedded in mindfulness history. Sometimes, because I know it does help some people and people are different, I lead these types of self-compassion meditations. I think there are ways to do self-compassion meditations that avoid the game-playing involved in traditional self-compassion meditations. That’s what I want to highlight now.
Alternatives to the *tricky self-compassion meditation are based on the fact that you are not your self-protected ego, the body-thing that you identify with. You are the humany thing that feels pain and lives in fear of what others think. So, starting from there, here’s some alternatives to deliver kindness to that person.
- Apply lotion to your body
- Stretch, because your body physically hurts when you don’t. Stretch because you know want to ease that suffering back, and neck, and side.
- Notice the specific areas that hurt and send them compassion. My knee is uncomfortable as I type this. “Thank you, knee, for bearing my weight all these years. I’ll try real hard to take care of you. You might then rub your knee or apply an ice pack.
- You might think of the child you. The one who felt gangly or coveted your parents love or wanted to sit beside your dog because your dog was the only person in your house who didn’t tell you how you weren’t enough. That person. Seend some memory love to that young person. I know life was hard for you. Thank you for persevering. Even from all this time away, I know what that youngster whent through so I’m putting my mental arms around my past-self and saying I love you.
We need to find a way to care for ourselves in our skin. The people around us need us to love ourselves so we have some love to give them. We are all starving for love. Let’s be a little more liberal with our lovingkindness toward ourselves. Start by gently applying some lotion to yourself. Notice the sensation. Watch to see how your skin feels a looks as you give it attention. The entire premise of physical therapy, if we get right down to it, is learning to love the suffering parts of our bodies.
There’s one thing that’s formulaic that I love and which patients almost always give me opportunity to do with them. It’s not a prayer exactly. It’s a wish, often called a metta prayer.
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you live with ease
May you live in peace
This is the kind of formula that’s commonly used: Think of someone you love and trust and how special you are to them. Send them a wish of love and kindness. Great. Now, think of someone else you love and trust and how special you are to them. Send them good wishes. Now, like a cool switchback you’d never expect, think of yourself with love and kindness! Did you see what they did there? It really snuck up on you, didn’t it. They manipulated your self-judgmental self into being kind to yourself. The first time I heard one of those I was filled with disgust. It felt like some kind of psychological game. ↩︎