Having Teeth
It’s easy to think mindful people are endlessly forgiving and tolerant.
This isn’t (and shouldn’t be) the case. We need boundaries. Those boundaries should have meaning. We should be able to say No and should regularly practice saying No. It is a sign of our strength, clarity, and purpose. I love the title of the excellent book by psychologist Kristin Neff: Fierce Self-Compassion: How to Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Your Power, and Thrive. Wow! That doesn’t sound boundaryless, does it?
If saying No feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar, it’s probably good to practice. Here’s too ways to practice:
- Saying No to yourself. Finances have always been challenging for me. I think of saying No as punishment (a cognitive bug for those from strict backgrounds). It’s not punishment. We might instead think of No as practice in saying No, as a means to saving for a more comfortable tomorrow, or as preparation for a scarcer tomorrow.
- It can be helpful to practice saying No with people we trust and people who don’t have a dog in the hunt (those for whom the stakes aren’t high). You might tell them that you’re practicing using the word No and why you feel it’s important to do this. It’s hard for me to say No. I’m not sure if it will damage working relationships so I feel like I need help to navigate the best ways to say No.
I had a boss who helped me (and others) stick up for themselves as professionals. I’ll never forget a meeting she had with several of us. It was the sentence, You are the Professional in your Scope of Practice. Not the doctor. Not the family. Not the patient. You went through the training to do what you do. Don’t let them demean you and your boundaries. That’s what you tell them. Then, you tell me.
It may feel contradictory to want to be mindful and still have boundaries. The reality is that saying appropriate Nos (to ourselves and others) helps maintain order and connection in all our relationships. It reminds us that we hold intrinsic value. It reminds us that we have a soul worth treasuring.